If Only…

For so much of my life, I believed I could be happy, IF ONLY.
I’ll reach back and share a sampling of  my ‘IF Onlys’ over the years.

If only I could stay with Grandma all the time and not have to only see her at weekends, I would be happy.
If only Dad wanted me, I would be happy.
If only I wasn’t so skinny, I would be happy.
If only I had straight teeth, kids wouldn’t make fun of me and I’d be happy.
If only I had a straight nose, I’d be pretty and then I’d be happy.
If only I hadn’t been abused.
If only I had been raised in a normal home.
If only I had my own room.
If only I could keep taking ballet lessons.
If only I had security.
If only I hadn’t had to move so much, I would have made lifelong friends.
If only I had a good education (stable) then I could have become someone and made big money and lived how I wanted to live.
If only someone would love me.
If only I didn’t have to stress about money.
If only I had been stronger, maybe I could have coped.
If only I made more money then I could put my kids in a better school and neighborhood and they would be happier and I would be happier.
If only I can party, I won’t feel unhappy and I’ll forget my troubles.
If only I had a place to live.
If only I didn’t have to worry about money.
If only I manage to make ends meet, then my kids can stay in a good school.
If only I wasn’t lonely.
If only I had someone to love me and share my struggles.
If only I had been able not to worry about being alone and just been able to focus on the needs of my kids.
If only I had gone back to church.
If only my choices hadn’t hurt my kids.
If only, we didn’t have to worry about constantly paying taxes.
If only we didn’t have to refinance our home so that we could keep our employee working.
If only we can sell our house and move to the States, we will be happier.
If only we can see my kids and my granddaughter and my Aunt, I will be happier.
If only my husband could find work, we’d be okay.
If only my husband would get his PhD, he could find a good job teaching and we’d have a good income and that would make us happy because we would not have financial pressure.
If only I didn’t have to deal with the stress of selling everything and our house.
If only I wasn’t going to be so far away from my family.
If only we didn’t have our dogs, things would be easier.  It would be easier to find a rental in the UK.
If only I didn’t have to leave the UK because of immigration laws.
If only God would make everything work out easily.
If only my husband would find a good paying job.
If only I felt better and wasn’t sick so often.
If only I wasn’t getting old.
If only someone would hire me.
If only I knew what to pray for to make things right.
If only I knew what to pray when I don’t  have a clue what to pray anymore.
If only I knew what God’s plan was, then I could accept it and move in that direction.
If only I stopped searching for my happiness and contentment in circumstances, people, things, beauty, clothes.

Maybe you also have a list of ‘If Only’s?’

God chose my parents and my ‘lot’ in life., but I wasn’t finding it easy to be thankful for the good things along the way, because I was always focusing on the bad and wanting things that I thought would make life better.

One day, I heard a friend’s sermon and suddenly I understood that I had been unable to see the good or be happy because GOD had not given me the ability to be content in the things I was pursuing.

I was shocked when I read that it is GOD who makes us able to be content.  I thought contentment was something you found when everything worked out the way you wanted.

Ecclesiastes 6

6 I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on mankind: ² God gives some people wealth, possessions and honor, so that they lack nothing their hearts desire, but God does not grant them the ability to enjoy them, and strangers enjoy them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil.

³ A man may have a hundred children and live many years; yet no matter how long he lives, if he cannot enjoy his prosperity and does not receive proper burial (i.e. he has not lived his purpose and no one cares when he dies), I say that a stillborn child is better off than he. ⁴ It comes without meaning, it departs in darkness, and in darkness its name is shrouded. ⁵ Though it never saw the sun or knew anything, it has more rest than does that man— ⁶ even if he lives a thousand years twice over but fails to enjoy his prosperity. Do not all go to the same place?

Then I began to put 2 + 2 together.  I started to see that the reason I wasn’t finding happiness in my efforts was because I couldn’t.  It wasn’t possible to find lasting happiness in those things.  Temporary enjoyment yes, but never lasting contentment and what really stunk was that the more I enjoyed a temporary happiness, the more painful it was when it didn’t last.  Kinda puts a damper on things.

Maybe that’s why some people give up trying?  Maybe that’s why some people run from love?  Maybe that’s why people become depressed?  Maybe that’s why some people drink? Maybe that’s why some old people are full of bitterness while others are sunny and sweet?

So, here’s where I discovered it wasn’t POSSIBLE to find lasting happiness in the things that everyone in the world chases after.
In Romans 8:20-21 Paul explained that creation (which includes you and me) was subjected to futility.

For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.
Futility: uselessness, pointlessness, ineffectiveness, senselessness

I’d say that all the things I chased after, each time, left me feeling that they were futile when they didn’t work out.  They didn’t give me lasting contentment and they always left me more unhappy and frustrated.

But now I understand that the things I chased after (things of this world) were deliberately made to make me dissatisfied so that I would seek God for my contentment!

If I could have contentment in the things I chased, why would I bother to seek God?  If I didn’t seek God, how would I come to accept the gift of my salvation?  So, it’s because He loves us that he made creation ‘futile’, so that we would be saved and we would still have free will in the matter.  Pretty wise really!

If God is the one who gives us the ability to know good in whatever our circumstances and He is the one who gives us the ability to be content, then why should he bless me with contentment when I seek contentment from the things rather than from Him?  Why should he bless me with contentment when I was pursuing idols?  The things we devote our attention to; the things we chase after with our heart, they are our idols and they do not have the ability to give us the gift of contentment.

It reminds me of a place in the Old Testament where the Jewish people were told to ask their idols to rescue them in their time of torment.  Actually, He is making fun of their idols and in a sense being sarcastic.  After all, they were unfaithful to Him after all He did for them, so He had every right to point out their folly.  Right?

So, when I step back and I look at what is most important to me, it is this:
To know God deeply; to live for Him so that when I meet Him, He’ll tell me “well done”.    I want to learn His wisdom for life and turn my attention away from mankind’s wisdom.  I want my children and granddaughter to know Him too.

I want you, the reader, to find contentment in Him, so that no matter what your situation is in life, you will be able to be content in it, and your contentment will not rest on pursuit of things the world chases after.  Things that leave you high and dry.

What He has been doing in my life and in my heart is hard to put down on paper.  It’s just so much to tell, but know this much…I have a sense of contentment now that I haven’t had and a deeper understanding than I ever had of why the world is going the way it is.  He is giving me contentment and understanding.  There is a real joy available to you for the asking. Just seek Him like you seek things and you’ll find Him.

God Bless!